WHY CAN'T WE COME POTTY TRAINED?

I AM PUTTING THIS QUESTION OUT THERE? COMING POTTY TRAINED WOULD MAKE EVERYONE'S LIFE EASIER! OK so I apologize to all of you who have had to listen to me this past week about potty training Jakob. I know I am a huge complainer, but really I have not a clue how to potty train. And yes, we are using a pink potty, it's a loaner therefore it was free. Although maybe that is the problem, maybe Jakob doesn't want to sit on a pink potty. If he has issues later in life we will know why. SO I ASK ALL OF YOU WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT THERE...HOW IN THE HE-- DO YOU POTTY TRAIN A STUBBORN
3 1/2 YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY? (I might even go as far as more stubborn than his Great-Grandpa Cook, for those of you who know Cleve Cook, that is not a compliment) We have tried standing, sitting, little potty, big potty, big potty with a little seat, cheerios in the toilet, rewards, an excitement party, sticker chart...
the Elmo potty doll, with the Elmo potty movie, being stern and punishing, and being so patient and positive reinforcement like! I am out of ideas. For all you new moms... my advice- make your husbands do it! Or pray for a child that trains himself...that is possible, Kellen was one!!
He did give us hope one day. I had to keep him naked all day, but that did seem to work the first day I tried that. He went 4 times all by himself, I thought I found my trick. However, Jakob does not give into the struggle that fast, the very next naked day, Kellen found little brown piles on the stairs with a puddle on the floor. So again I ask HOW?
At least Jakob has found some use for his potty, he put it in a circle with other toys and did a "Potty Dance" or "Anti-Potty Dance", I am not really sure which one. I will take any suggestions anyone might have, I will also take anyone that wants practice to come and practice on Jakob. Trust me you will be a pro for your next one!